I am on such a freakin rollercoaster right now. I have been in anxiety HELL for the last 2 weeks. I can't sleep cuz I wake up around 3am with horrible anxiety thoughts that run till I need to get up at 6am. The worst part is that they are stupid things like "OMG! Did I say anything yesterday to my friend that may have pissed them off?" or "Crap! I have to finish that project for so and so" even though there is no real dead line, but I will spin that thought in my head till I literally have to sit up in bed and yell to my brain "STOP IT!!" Its the worst.
Today has been horrible. I am exhausted. I feel like I did back when I was dealing with my sick Chihuahua and not getting any sleep. I get my energy at the end of the day and so I don't go to sleep till around 10:30 - 11. Then I wake up at 3 and the literally feel the rush of adrenaline into my system as my brain finds something to spin on. So then what happens? I drag myself out of bed around 6am and fight through my day without coffee. I would KILL for coffee right now, but because I am so anxious, it would make me unbearable to be around and miserable.
So what do I do? I eat sugar.
I went to the doctor last week and got my blood results. My sugar levels are fine so hypoglycemia and the like are ruled out. What they did find were high DHEA levels and cortisol. Ahhhh, my friend cortisol. The sole reason for my ever bulging belly. I f-in hate cortisol and right now, because it is so high, I couldn't drop weight if my life depended on it....or $300. (So long Biggest Loser!) DHEA is the hormone that rises and falls and dictates your sleep and mine is predicting that I'm not getting any.
Its all so frustrating. I did a photoshoot with 2 of my fitness friends yesterday and while they just came off a competition Saturday, I apparently just came off the dessert tray because I looked like a big fat ass next to them. Luckily we were shooting individually because I would have jumped off the Santa Monica mountains if I had to stand next to those skinny bitches! (Haha! Love you guys!....dammit! *I* wanna be called a skinny bitch!) But it was hard seeing them look so amazing and tiny, shooting in bikinis while I was about as covered up as one could be. I had on the equivalent of a bhurka next to them. I want my tiny body back but I can't do it until these hormones are under control.
CAN I PLEASE GET THEM UNDER CONTROL NOW!?!?!!!
I am so frustrated that I want to cry. I am so tired and I hate feeling this way. I just want to curl up and sleep for days, but my body won't let me. Its like being really thirsty and a glass of water is just out of reach. I want to scream, I want to workout to get rid of this chub and I want to eat healthy but because I am so tired, the cravings for sugar are out of control. I just want to cry because I don't want it but my body is begging for it.
I go back to my one doctor on Thursday and I hope she can help me because I am SO angry about how sh*tty I feel. I want my life back. I want control back......I want ME back.
:( Very sad today.
