Mid week.

I love short weeks and God bless holiday weekends!! Two more days and its back to lounging around!

Today is going much better, although my boss was wringing his hands this morning, terrified I wouldn't get done what needed getting done to get this beast to the client. I looked at him like he had 3 heads. He even recruited another editor to help.....with WHAT I don't know. Sigh. Of course I got it out the door.....WITH TIME TO SPARE! BOO-YAH!

Hopefully he'll stop doubting me.........but I doubt it.

Tough Day.

3:00pm

I'd say I hate Mondays since its the first day back at work, but its actually a Tuesday and I am highly irritated today. First off, the top I am wearing is all stretched out and its making me look even fatter than I am. Nice. Whoever designed this in this fabric should be shot. Second, I am struggling with this trailer that is not working. All the changes my boss wants is spinning this thing into a dimension of shit that I've never seen before. Its not his fault though, we don't have the shot and dialog bites to pull them off and the more changes I make, the shittier this thing becomes. This is a classic moment where I want to CHECK THE FUCK OUT! I am frustrated, tired and antsy. We need to get this to the client today and I'm struggling to keep my head above the swirling mess that is dragging me down.

Translation? I WANT SOME FREAKIN SUGAR NOW!!! I want to become numb so I can soldier on and its difficult not to give in.

The Smell of Chocolate.

12:09pm

Never noticed the smell of chocolate so much until today. Marcia is in the kitchen here at work melting Ghiradelli's so she can dip fruit into it for our afternoon snack. Sheesh. The whole place smells like brownies and heres the twist, I have to eat 2 hardboiled eggs and an apple. Which sounds better? I love Marcia and I want to kill her all at the same time. Thank God they aren't actual brownies because that would be hard to say no to.

7:35pm

Crazy Day. I'm STILL at work. I've been cutting a new trailer for another Disney Channel movie. Been a rough day. Although I didn't have M&M's, I had some tortilla chips, chex mix and 2 chocolate covered strawberries. All in all its not horrible, but I feel bloated. I need to get home and have my shake, but not sure how much longer I will be here. Sucks trying to work the day before a 3 day weekend. Head is just....not.....in....it. But I still managed to get stuff done.

Sigh.

I'm tired.

Lots of triggers.

11:13am

Apparently it doesn't take much to trigger me these days. I just got an email this morning from the photographer who took pictures of all of us at the Fitness America event in Las Vegas last fall. I was tinier than I had ever been, was feeling really good.....until I saw the pics. They were horrible....and not because of the photog, but because my body is still holding a lot of chub and it tears me to pieces looking at the photos. I'm on the edge of tears right now because my body is nowhere near where I want it to be. :(

6:00pm

Good news, I made it through Day 2 of not caving in to temptation.

Gnawing.

1:07pm

After my bingefest yesterday, I woke up with a headache and although I'm not craving sugar TOO bad, I just want to dive in with both feet to swim in the land of sugar. This morning my doctor told me that I am actually allergic to sugar and therefore I react differently to it than most people. That'd make sense because when I eat sugar I get a very drunk feeling. There have been times when I think I shouldn't be driving because I can't focus and pay attention. Kinda scary. And yet I want it.....all....the......time. I'm trying to hold on to eat in 30 minutes, hoping that will kill the cravings.

2:00pm

Just had lunch.....with a Diet Coke. Not the best thing, but the buzz keeps my mind off....shhhh.

Starting over........again.

12:20pm:

I have a headache today. You know how some days you feel like a rock star and other days you feel like you are living between the tread of someones shoe? Yea, the latter is my day today. I always love how when you are feeling good about things, life does something to drop you down a few pegs. Its like, you aren't allowed to feel good so life says, "Hey, F you. Here ya go, humble yerself out!" You'd think my 10 years of humbling from age 5-15 would have been enough where I suffered through bucked teeth, crossed eyes, greasy hair, zits and braces, but apparently, God has other plans.

I'm trying to eat better and take care of myself and actually LISTEN to what my body wants, but when I get knocked sideways, all listening and possible democracy about what my body wants goes out the window. It becomes a dictatorship of what my feelings want to hide behind.....and it sucks. What happened to me today was minor, but it involved my creativity and I fell very flat, so I'm beating myself up about it. I'm even embarrassed to admit what it was because its stupid, but I was hurt and now I'm beating myself up because I think that I should have pulled it off. I just know that a few people were an audience to my face flop and I'm feeling stupid that I didn't do better. I wished that I could have too because it would have meant some extra $$$.

Oh well, trying to let it go. I'll feel better when the project is done and I don't have to have it around me anymore.....reminding me of my failures!! So I'm going to try and use this blog as my way of releasing the pressure of my moments of weakness. Like the failure I just experienced. I need an outlet for that pain instead of eating. So I'm going to try this instead. Any time I feel crappy or like I want to eat something that wouldn't be in my best interest, I'm gonna write about whats going on instead. Hopefully this will help me. We'll see!

4:00pm:

I had some peanut M&M's. I didn't really want them, but I developed a headache about 2 hours ago that Tylenol and coffee weren't making go away. I assumed its because I'm detoxing from the monumental amount of sugar I ate this weekend. I think I was right because about a handful was all it took to bring the headache down to a tolerable level. Its still there, but its not as debilitating.

The upside is that we had pie and ice cream today at work to celebrate birthdays and I didn't have any. I know, I know, I ate M&M's but it was a lesser evil. The pie and ice cream was sure to put me to sleep. Small victories.

Been awhile.

Took a few days off. Life got busy.

I am on such a freakin rollercoaster right now. I have been in anxiety HELL for the last 2 weeks. I can't sleep cuz I wake up around 3am with horrible anxiety thoughts that run till I need to get up at 6am. The worst part is that they are stupid things like "OMG! Did I say anything yesterday to my friend that may have pissed them off?" or "Crap! I have to finish that project for so and so" even though there is no real dead line, but I will spin that thought in my head till I literally have to sit up in bed and yell to my brain "STOP IT!!" Its the worst.

Today has been horrible. I am exhausted. I feel like I did back when I was dealing with my sick Chihuahua and not getting any sleep. I get my energy at the end of the day and so I don't go to sleep till around 10:30 - 11. Then I wake up at 3 and the literally feel the rush of adrenaline into my system as my brain finds something to spin on. So then what happens? I drag myself out of bed around 6am and fight through my day without coffee. I would KILL for coffee right now, but because I am so anxious, it would make me unbearable to be around and miserable.

So what do I do? I eat sugar.

I went to the doctor last week and got my blood results. My sugar levels are fine so hypoglycemia and the like are ruled out. What they did find were high DHEA levels and cortisol. Ahhhh, my friend cortisol. The sole reason for my ever bulging belly. I f-in hate cortisol and right now, because it is so high, I couldn't drop weight if my life depended on it....or $300. (So long Biggest Loser!) DHEA is the hormone that rises and falls and dictates your sleep and mine is predicting that I'm not getting any.

Its all so frustrating. I did a photoshoot with 2 of my fitness friends yesterday and while they just came off a competition Saturday, I apparently just came off the dessert tray because I looked like a big fat ass next to them. Luckily we were shooting individually because I would have jumped off the Santa Monica mountains if I had to stand next to those skinny bitches! (Haha! Love you guys!....dammit! *I* wanna be called a skinny bitch!) But it was hard seeing them look so amazing and tiny, shooting in bikinis while I was about as covered up as one could be. I had on the equivalent of a bhurka next to them. I want my tiny body back but I can't do it until these hormones are under control.

CAN I PLEASE GET THEM UNDER CONTROL NOW!?!?!!!

I am so frustrated that I want to cry. I am so tired and I hate feeling this way. I just want to curl up and sleep for days, but my body won't let me. Its like being really thirsty and a glass of water is just out of reach. I want to scream, I want to workout to get rid of this chub and I want to eat healthy but because I am so tired, the cravings for sugar are out of control. I just want to cry because I don't want it but my body is begging for it.

I go back to my one doctor on Thursday and I hope she can help me because I am SO angry about how sh*tty I feel. I want my life back. I want control back......I want ME back.

:( Very sad today.

Bad week for Mothers.

Weight: 151.4

Hips: 39 1/4

Waist: 30 1/2

Wow. I'm just so in shock at what has gone down this week for some mom's of my friends. Maybe thats why I was feeling crappy yesterday. All that energy was coming around. First, I found out that one of my neighbor's mom's had passed away. Its very sad because we all know our neighbors around here and we are like family. We actually have a name for "the family". We are known as the 16th Street Mafia. However the only activities we engage in are BBQ's, breakfast and time at the beach.

Then yesterday, I was talking to our head mafia leader, known as Mama Mafia, the matriarch of us and she told me that my other neighbors mother, who had been visiting last week, is in the hospital. I sent a text to my neighbor to find out what had happened and she finally called back last night to tell me that her mom barely avoided a full blown heart attack because she'd had a 90% blockage. They put in a stint and she was doing much better.

Finally, the one that really got to me yesterday was finding out that a friends mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last week. They went in to do surgery this week and found it to be inoperable because there were tumors everywhere. She decided to go on hospice and just spend time with her family and friends. My friend gave up his job working on Transformers 3 to be with her.

The part that is killing me is that I have only met his mom once, but she made a HUGE impression on me and I'm sad that the world will be without her. She actually married friends of ours about 5 years ago. In the ceremony, she said something that I think about all the time and if I ever get in a relationship I will be employing this wisdom. She said, "Before you speak to the one you love, ask yourself three questions. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" I impart this knowledge on anyone who tells me about battles they are having with their mate because we have become a society that takes pride in the most ferocious of jabs against others and what we really need to do is be kinder to each other. This woman was a walking beacon of light with a kind gentle smile and a warmth that you just wanted to be near all the time. My heart is so heavy for her family, but I'm happy that they get to spend time with her.

So yesterday ended up being pretty rough for me. I didn't dive into the Ritz crackers, but I did 'check out' with about 3 handfuls of M&M's. I drove home feeling numb and detached. When I got there I ate a good dinner of ground beef and veggies and called it a night.

I'm glad this week is over and Sunday is my mom's birthday, so I'll call her and pray she doesn't have any bad news! I'm thinking not since she was out here in LA Sunday through Wednesday and I got to spend some time with her. Things are great in her world right now, so the odds of bad news is slim. Thank God!

Off to do cardio. Hoping this weekend will be mellow despite the million things going on. And as you can see from above, I gained a pound and my belly runneths over even more. So much for the Biggest Loser!

Grumpy.

Do you ever just wake up grumpy for no good reason? Thats me today. I am a grumpy pants. Screamed at everyone who did anything even remotely stupid on my drive into work, including driving the speed limit.

Sometimes I just think I am a miserable bitch, although anyone who knows me would argue that point into the ground. I am generally a very nice and positive person, but some days I am just grumpy and bitchy and I thank God I'm not married because he would divorce me. Ok, maybe not, but still. What does all this grumpiness make me want to do?

Eat carbs.

Lots and lots of carbs. I would love a piece of coffee cake, or a slice of lemon cake, or a baguette and some butter, or a blueberry scone! So why do we stuff ourselves when we feel shitty? Is it to make ourselves feel so miserable about the fact that our belly is protruding and we're painfully stuffed so we REALLY have something to be miserable about? I think its a distraction. Its like when someone has a toothache or a pulled muscle. I always offer to take a sledgehammer to their big toe, because the other thing won't hurt anymore. Your mind will now be focused on the broken toe and not the sore tooth or muscle.

Is that what it is? Are we just trying to distract ourselves? Or is it that thing that the mean stepfather would say to the crying kid? "Oh, I'll give you something to cry about!!" Like, I feel like shit, but lemme REALLY feel like shit by shoving 3000 calories of crap down my gullet! Because all of the sudden, the other thing that made us feel crappy seems meaningless.

Are we looking to make ourselves feel really shitty and do it right if we are going to feel shitty at all?

I dunno. Luckily there are no scones here at work, although I could do myself in with an entire box of Ritz crackers. And I DO have on stretchy pants today. But I won't. I just want to not feel grumpy. I want to be happy and cheerful and feel good about the world. For some reason, today, I just can't find it. So I'll chalk it up to just a day I need to get through in the hopes that tomorrow will be better.

I will soldier on......without the carbs. Because they aren't my friends anyway and I really don't want to feel even shittier and grumpier than I already am.

I'm gonna go pout in a corner now.

Just cuz.

Coming out of the fray.

The last few days have been pretty good. Even over the weekend I wasn't craving sugar. A lot of it is because I'm scared of the severe crashes I had a few weeks ago, but wouldn't it be nice if I never binged on sugar again based on that fear? One can only hope!

My mom has been in town the past few days with her writing partner and I've been to dinner with them twice. Luckily everyone has been passing on dessert. I'd have a bite if it were presented, but definitely not ordering my own. At the meals, I'd order chicken with a veggie and then fries. I love fries. When I'm 'cheating' sometimes fries are all I need. If I'm having grilled chicken with steamed broccoli and fries, I'm in heaven. So its not too terrible. Especially if I skip dessert.

Two more weeks of Biggest Loser at work. I probably won't win, but I don't honestly care. I am dropping weight and feeling better so thats what matters. I know some of my coworkers are doing wacky things, so someone is bound to be bingeing on diet pills or something to win the $300. Whatever. If they need the money that bad, then go for it! But you never know!

Weekends can be tricky.

Its always hard on Saturday mornings when I go to get a coffee, not to get something from the bakery case. The glazed donuts, muffins and scones always plead with me to leave their little prison. But if I've learned one thing, eating sugar first thing in the morning is no bueno. If I have sugar early in the day, I will crave it for the rest of the day and it can drive me to do some seriously stupid things.

So this morning, even though I politely smiled at the selection of baked madness behind the glass, no one got paroled. I'm trying to eat good today, even though I have had entirely too many whole wheat pita chips, I did have a good breakfast and just ate some tuna sushi wrapped in brown rice. Its not horrible, so I'm not going to beat myself up. At least I'm free from sugar and just taking it one day at a time.

Now if I could only stop biting the inside of my lip.

Every Friday is Christmas!

Weight: 150.6

Hips: 39 1/4"

Waist: 30"

(lost 2 lbs and 1/4" off hips from starting point)

I put "Every Friday is Christmas" on a Post-It and looked at it every day to remind me that Fridays were my weigh in days and waking up in the morning during weight loss times were like Christmas. It was so awesome to get on the scale and actually see the number a pound or two lower than the previous week, so it was like Christmas to me, only better.

Here at work, some of my coworkers decided to do an inner office Biggest Loser, so we all weighed in about 2 weeks ago. Mind you I stuffed myself and made sure I had lots of water weight on before weigh in....shhh, don't tell anyone! I'd thought about putting sand in my pockets but figured that was outright cheating and I wouldn't have felt good if I had actually won with those tactics! So at my weigh in I was 156.6 at 37% bodyfat. Now, the body fat is a load of phoey (sp?) because a scale can't measure that accurately and there is no way IN HELL I am almost 40% bodyfat. Steve Wonder could even tell you thats a load of crap.

So at the end of week 3 I am down to 150.6, although that is my scale at home and I think the scale at work is 1 pound heavier, so about 5 lbs so far. Last week I had actually gained 2 lbs back so this week I lost it. If I can remain good and keep my cardio kick ass then I could easily drop 2 pounds a week for a total loss of about 10-11lbs by final weigh in. Now the downside is that everyone else will have 4 more days than I will because I am leaving town to go to my nieces graduation I have to weigh in early. But don't worry, it'll be first thing in the morning and I plan on using my kitchen scale to weigh the lightest outfit I have that won't leave me naked at weigh! haha!

All in all I am just excited that I am losing again and I'm really hoping that I can keep it off this time. Last November for the year end competition in Vegas, I was tiny and I felt amazing. I want that girl back because I felt youthful and sexy....even at 41.

Rock on!

Starting over....again.

I hate starting over. Back to the beginning. Square one. The finish line, miles away.....and you can't even see it this time. Last time you were there it was so brief that you blinked and you were already journeying back to the beginning. I'm talking about the rollercoaster of losing and then gaining weight, over and over and over again.

I have done it at least once a year for the last 5 years and its never fun realizing the scale is staring back at you with those horrific numbers you thought you'd left behind. You feel hopeless again and its frustrating to think you have to do it all over again.

I want to know why I bust my ass only to gain it back. What is going on that I keep doing this to myself? Do I hate myself? Do I only see myself as having a dartboard ass and a bloated belly that makes jean wearing difficult? Can I not stand the attention when I have a rockstar body? Am I just destined to be a wallflower of sorts by keeping myself heavier and then I don't have to participate in life?

I'm not obese. Most doctors would consider me 'healthy' by their standards. But do I feel good in my skin? Do I wonder if they make a bra for the boobs on my back? Do I enjoy the chub rub I get under my arms and inner thighs? Am I fat? No. I am a little over 5'6" and I weigh roughly 150 right now. I feel better at 130, but its been a while since that number and I have been friends.

The funny thing is that I am 41 and the message I get over and over is "Over 40, its really hard to lose weight!" B*llsh*t, I say. I've done it before and I can do it again. What's tripping me up is keeping it off.

I found an amazing coach 5 years ago who taught me how to eat healthy and I even started competing in fitness competitions. Granted I don't do all the fancy one armed push ups but putting me on stage in a bikini with bright lights and lots of people staring was always a daunting idea. Each time I trained for a show my body looked better, but I can't keep it off. Most of it is because I am a certified sugar addict. (yes, I got certified. Wanna see it?) I seriously have a bad relationship with the stuff and I can tell you where every grain or crumb of sugar is in my house. (right now there is only a box of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer) If I get in a bad way, I figure out how to coax a neighbor or friend into giving up sugar to me. When I am in that state I can't be trusted and will do whatever it takes to get it.

The really bad part is that I will eat it till I pass out or puke. It ain't pretty and it has to stop.

Recently I had some very severe reactions to it and I went to the doctor a few days ago to get blood work done to see if I have hypoglycemia. As much as I don't want it, it would explain a lot and maybe get me to clean up the toxic dump that my body becomes once I venture down Sugar Avenue.

I started this blog to talk about that journey and also to track how I'm feeling from day to day and hopefully I can get some answers as to why I implode after I have created such a masterpiece.

Am I just a sugarwhore that can't be stopped? Or can I be a recovering sugarwhore who has a history but that maybe someone would still be willing to love......even if I beg and plead at them to just run to the store, pick up a box of donuts, some Ben and Jerrys, a pie, some Little Debbies and bunch of apple fritters!

Is it possible?

Maybe.

Just keep the damn Girl Scouts away from me.