AA is the way!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.....hello, yes, we're back.  Uh-huh.  Hmmm.

Sugar is a wiley creature...have I said that before?  Its kinda like that psychotic person you dated who was sooooooo HOT and fantastically fun but bat shit crazy.  Ya feel me?  Over the past few years....since I last posted....sorry bout that....I've been on a journey.  I went in a few directions, one of which was checking out AA.  I went to support a friend initially and then found out it was useful to me and my sugar addiction.  Addiction is addiction any way you slice it, its just different poisons.

I could relate to every person in there and their struggles....there was Bob....whoops, anonymous....sorry Bob, I mean Ed.  Yes, his name was Ed....still anonymous...yes, so anyway.

Not wanting to leave the house because all you wanted to do was use.  Yep. Me.  Done that. Check!

Becoming obsessed about the next fix and when that will happen. Yep. Check and check!

Keep the high going so you use all day long cuz coming down sucks.  Oh yes.  Yes, indeed!

Sneaking it so no one will know....yep!  "Hey!  I'm gonna gooooooo walk the dog and I'm NOT gonna stop by the market on the corner and get some cookies and candy and shove them in my face and discard the wrappers and hopefully not have anything left in my teeth or hanging on my lip when I get back.  Yep, no, nooooo, that is NOT gonna happen.  Ok, I'll be back!"  Door slams, footsteps running down the street.......and then running back.....door opens..."Whoops!  Hahaha!  Forgot the dog!  I was only kidding pup! I wouldn't forget you!  Heehee!  Ok then..."  Door slams....footsteps running.....dog being dragged...

Getting so drunk that they've thrown up and passed out on the bathroom floor.  Check and check!

The weird thing was that AA for me was aversion therapy because they tell alcoholics to eat sweets instead.  Every single meeting there were pastries and donuts, cookies or cakes to celebrate birthdays.  It was hell for me and yet every person in that room had my back and watched me like a hawk and if I even looked at a donut I would get hockey checked.

Out of curiosity, my friend and I decided to check out OA-Overeaters Anonymous.  Wondering if maybe I should really be there instead but found out the hard way that that was a big noooooo.   Nothing wrong with the group but we just didn't gel with them!  They were lovely people but they were so introverted and quiet and there were maybe 6 people in the room.  A room thats energy was just so awkward and uncomfortable that I turned to my friend and said "AA has donuts, so if we are gonna come here again I'm gonna need a bar and a cocktail waitress"

Needless to say we barely made it through the rest of the meeting because we had the giggles and ran down the street like a pair of jr high school girls trying to get all the awkward out.

AA is the bomb.

Mid week.

I love short weeks and God bless holiday weekends!! Two more days and its back to lounging around!

Today is going much better, although my boss was wringing his hands this morning, terrified I wouldn't get done what needed getting done to get this beast to the client. I looked at him like he had 3 heads. He even recruited another editor to help.....with WHAT I don't know. Sigh. Of course I got it out the door.....WITH TIME TO SPARE! BOO-YAH!

Hopefully he'll stop doubting me.........but I doubt it.

Tough Day.

3:00pm

I'd say I hate Mondays since its the first day back at work, but its actually a Tuesday and I am highly irritated today. First off, the top I am wearing is all stretched out and its making me look even fatter than I am. Nice. Whoever designed this in this fabric should be shot. Second, I am struggling with this trailer that is not working. All the changes my boss wants is spinning this thing into a dimension of shit that I've never seen before. Its not his fault though, we don't have the shot and dialog bites to pull them off and the more changes I make, the shittier this thing becomes. This is a classic moment where I want to CHECK THE FUCK OUT! I am frustrated, tired and antsy. We need to get this to the client today and I'm struggling to keep my head above the swirling mess that is dragging me down.

Translation? I WANT SOME FREAKIN SUGAR NOW!!! I want to become numb so I can soldier on and its difficult not to give in.

The Smell of Chocolate.

12:09pm

Never noticed the smell of chocolate so much until today. Marcia is in the kitchen here at work melting Ghiradelli's so she can dip fruit into it for our afternoon snack. Sheesh. The whole place smells like brownies and heres the twist, I have to eat 2 hardboiled eggs and an apple. Which sounds better? I love Marcia and I want to kill her all at the same time. Thank God they aren't actual brownies because that would be hard to say no to.

7:35pm

Crazy Day. I'm STILL at work. I've been cutting a new trailer for another Disney Channel movie. Been a rough day. Although I didn't have M&M's, I had some tortilla chips, chex mix and 2 chocolate covered strawberries. All in all its not horrible, but I feel bloated. I need to get home and have my shake, but not sure how much longer I will be here. Sucks trying to work the day before a 3 day weekend. Head is just....not.....in....it. But I still managed to get stuff done.

Sigh.

I'm tired.

Lots of triggers.

11:13am

Apparently it doesn't take much to trigger me these days. I just got an email this morning from the photographer who took pictures of all of us at the Fitness America event in Las Vegas last fall. I was tinier than I had ever been, was feeling really good.....until I saw the pics. They were horrible....and not because of the photog, but because my body is still holding a lot of chub and it tears me to pieces looking at the photos. I'm on the edge of tears right now because my body is nowhere near where I want it to be. :(

6:00pm

Good news, I made it through Day 2 of not caving in to temptation.

Gnawing.

1:07pm

After my bingefest yesterday, I woke up with a headache and although I'm not craving sugar TOO bad, I just want to dive in with both feet to swim in the land of sugar. This morning my doctor told me that I am actually allergic to sugar and therefore I react differently to it than most people. That'd make sense because when I eat sugar I get a very drunk feeling. There have been times when I think I shouldn't be driving because I can't focus and pay attention. Kinda scary. And yet I want it.....all....the......time. I'm trying to hold on to eat in 30 minutes, hoping that will kill the cravings.

2:00pm

Just had lunch.....with a Diet Coke. Not the best thing, but the buzz keeps my mind off....shhhh.

Starting over........again.

12:20pm:

I have a headache today. You know how some days you feel like a rock star and other days you feel like you are living between the tread of someones shoe? Yea, the latter is my day today. I always love how when you are feeling good about things, life does something to drop you down a few pegs. Its like, you aren't allowed to feel good so life says, "Hey, F you. Here ya go, humble yerself out!" You'd think my 10 years of humbling from age 5-15 would have been enough where I suffered through bucked teeth, crossed eyes, greasy hair, zits and braces, but apparently, God has other plans.

I'm trying to eat better and take care of myself and actually LISTEN to what my body wants, but when I get knocked sideways, all listening and possible democracy about what my body wants goes out the window. It becomes a dictatorship of what my feelings want to hide behind.....and it sucks. What happened to me today was minor, but it involved my creativity and I fell very flat, so I'm beating myself up about it. I'm even embarrassed to admit what it was because its stupid, but I was hurt and now I'm beating myself up because I think that I should have pulled it off. I just know that a few people were an audience to my face flop and I'm feeling stupid that I didn't do better. I wished that I could have too because it would have meant some extra $$$.

Oh well, trying to let it go. I'll feel better when the project is done and I don't have to have it around me anymore.....reminding me of my failures!! So I'm going to try and use this blog as my way of releasing the pressure of my moments of weakness. Like the failure I just experienced. I need an outlet for that pain instead of eating. So I'm going to try this instead. Any time I feel crappy or like I want to eat something that wouldn't be in my best interest, I'm gonna write about whats going on instead. Hopefully this will help me. We'll see!

4:00pm:

I had some peanut M&M's. I didn't really want them, but I developed a headache about 2 hours ago that Tylenol and coffee weren't making go away. I assumed its because I'm detoxing from the monumental amount of sugar I ate this weekend. I think I was right because about a handful was all it took to bring the headache down to a tolerable level. Its still there, but its not as debilitating.

The upside is that we had pie and ice cream today at work to celebrate birthdays and I didn't have any. I know, I know, I ate M&M's but it was a lesser evil. The pie and ice cream was sure to put me to sleep. Small victories.