Mid week.

I love short weeks and God bless holiday weekends!! Two more days and its back to lounging around!

Today is going much better, although my boss was wringing his hands this morning, terrified I wouldn't get done what needed getting done to get this beast to the client. I looked at him like he had 3 heads. He even recruited another editor to help.....with WHAT I don't know. Sigh. Of course I got it out the door.....WITH TIME TO SPARE! BOO-YAH!

Hopefully he'll stop doubting me.........but I doubt it.

Tough Day.

3:00pm

I'd say I hate Mondays since its the first day back at work, but its actually a Tuesday and I am highly irritated today. First off, the top I am wearing is all stretched out and its making me look even fatter than I am. Nice. Whoever designed this in this fabric should be shot. Second, I am struggling with this trailer that is not working. All the changes my boss wants is spinning this thing into a dimension of shit that I've never seen before. Its not his fault though, we don't have the shot and dialog bites to pull them off and the more changes I make, the shittier this thing becomes. This is a classic moment where I want to CHECK THE FUCK OUT! I am frustrated, tired and antsy. We need to get this to the client today and I'm struggling to keep my head above the swirling mess that is dragging me down.

Translation? I WANT SOME FREAKIN SUGAR NOW!!! I want to become numb so I can soldier on and its difficult not to give in.

The Smell of Chocolate.

12:09pm

Never noticed the smell of chocolate so much until today. Marcia is in the kitchen here at work melting Ghiradelli's so she can dip fruit into it for our afternoon snack. Sheesh. The whole place smells like brownies and heres the twist, I have to eat 2 hardboiled eggs and an apple. Which sounds better? I love Marcia and I want to kill her all at the same time. Thank God they aren't actual brownies because that would be hard to say no to.

7:35pm

Crazy Day. I'm STILL at work. I've been cutting a new trailer for another Disney Channel movie. Been a rough day. Although I didn't have M&M's, I had some tortilla chips, chex mix and 2 chocolate covered strawberries. All in all its not horrible, but I feel bloated. I need to get home and have my shake, but not sure how much longer I will be here. Sucks trying to work the day before a 3 day weekend. Head is just....not.....in....it. But I still managed to get stuff done.

Sigh.

I'm tired.

Lots of triggers.

11:13am

Apparently it doesn't take much to trigger me these days. I just got an email this morning from the photographer who took pictures of all of us at the Fitness America event in Las Vegas last fall. I was tinier than I had ever been, was feeling really good.....until I saw the pics. They were horrible....and not because of the photog, but because my body is still holding a lot of chub and it tears me to pieces looking at the photos. I'm on the edge of tears right now because my body is nowhere near where I want it to be. :(

6:00pm

Good news, I made it through Day 2 of not caving in to temptation.

Gnawing.

1:07pm

After my bingefest yesterday, I woke up with a headache and although I'm not craving sugar TOO bad, I just want to dive in with both feet to swim in the land of sugar. This morning my doctor told me that I am actually allergic to sugar and therefore I react differently to it than most people. That'd make sense because when I eat sugar I get a very drunk feeling. There have been times when I think I shouldn't be driving because I can't focus and pay attention. Kinda scary. And yet I want it.....all....the......time. I'm trying to hold on to eat in 30 minutes, hoping that will kill the cravings.

2:00pm

Just had lunch.....with a Diet Coke. Not the best thing, but the buzz keeps my mind off....shhhh.

Starting over........again.

12:20pm:

I have a headache today. You know how some days you feel like a rock star and other days you feel like you are living between the tread of someones shoe? Yea, the latter is my day today. I always love how when you are feeling good about things, life does something to drop you down a few pegs. Its like, you aren't allowed to feel good so life says, "Hey, F you. Here ya go, humble yerself out!" You'd think my 10 years of humbling from age 5-15 would have been enough where I suffered through bucked teeth, crossed eyes, greasy hair, zits and braces, but apparently, God has other plans.

I'm trying to eat better and take care of myself and actually LISTEN to what my body wants, but when I get knocked sideways, all listening and possible democracy about what my body wants goes out the window. It becomes a dictatorship of what my feelings want to hide behind.....and it sucks. What happened to me today was minor, but it involved my creativity and I fell very flat, so I'm beating myself up about it. I'm even embarrassed to admit what it was because its stupid, but I was hurt and now I'm beating myself up because I think that I should have pulled it off. I just know that a few people were an audience to my face flop and I'm feeling stupid that I didn't do better. I wished that I could have too because it would have meant some extra $$$.

Oh well, trying to let it go. I'll feel better when the project is done and I don't have to have it around me anymore.....reminding me of my failures!! So I'm going to try and use this blog as my way of releasing the pressure of my moments of weakness. Like the failure I just experienced. I need an outlet for that pain instead of eating. So I'm going to try this instead. Any time I feel crappy or like I want to eat something that wouldn't be in my best interest, I'm gonna write about whats going on instead. Hopefully this will help me. We'll see!

4:00pm:

I had some peanut M&M's. I didn't really want them, but I developed a headache about 2 hours ago that Tylenol and coffee weren't making go away. I assumed its because I'm detoxing from the monumental amount of sugar I ate this weekend. I think I was right because about a handful was all it took to bring the headache down to a tolerable level. Its still there, but its not as debilitating.

The upside is that we had pie and ice cream today at work to celebrate birthdays and I didn't have any. I know, I know, I ate M&M's but it was a lesser evil. The pie and ice cream was sure to put me to sleep. Small victories.

Been awhile.

Took a few days off. Life got busy.

I am on such a freakin rollercoaster right now. I have been in anxiety HELL for the last 2 weeks. I can't sleep cuz I wake up around 3am with horrible anxiety thoughts that run till I need to get up at 6am. The worst part is that they are stupid things like "OMG! Did I say anything yesterday to my friend that may have pissed them off?" or "Crap! I have to finish that project for so and so" even though there is no real dead line, but I will spin that thought in my head till I literally have to sit up in bed and yell to my brain "STOP IT!!" Its the worst.

Today has been horrible. I am exhausted. I feel like I did back when I was dealing with my sick Chihuahua and not getting any sleep. I get my energy at the end of the day and so I don't go to sleep till around 10:30 - 11. Then I wake up at 3 and the literally feel the rush of adrenaline into my system as my brain finds something to spin on. So then what happens? I drag myself out of bed around 6am and fight through my day without coffee. I would KILL for coffee right now, but because I am so anxious, it would make me unbearable to be around and miserable.

So what do I do? I eat sugar.

I went to the doctor last week and got my blood results. My sugar levels are fine so hypoglycemia and the like are ruled out. What they did find were high DHEA levels and cortisol. Ahhhh, my friend cortisol. The sole reason for my ever bulging belly. I f-in hate cortisol and right now, because it is so high, I couldn't drop weight if my life depended on it....or $300. (So long Biggest Loser!) DHEA is the hormone that rises and falls and dictates your sleep and mine is predicting that I'm not getting any.

Its all so frustrating. I did a photoshoot with 2 of my fitness friends yesterday and while they just came off a competition Saturday, I apparently just came off the dessert tray because I looked like a big fat ass next to them. Luckily we were shooting individually because I would have jumped off the Santa Monica mountains if I had to stand next to those skinny bitches! (Haha! Love you guys!....dammit! *I* wanna be called a skinny bitch!) But it was hard seeing them look so amazing and tiny, shooting in bikinis while I was about as covered up as one could be. I had on the equivalent of a bhurka next to them. I want my tiny body back but I can't do it until these hormones are under control.

CAN I PLEASE GET THEM UNDER CONTROL NOW!?!?!!!

I am so frustrated that I want to cry. I am so tired and I hate feeling this way. I just want to curl up and sleep for days, but my body won't let me. Its like being really thirsty and a glass of water is just out of reach. I want to scream, I want to workout to get rid of this chub and I want to eat healthy but because I am so tired, the cravings for sugar are out of control. I just want to cry because I don't want it but my body is begging for it.

I go back to my one doctor on Thursday and I hope she can help me because I am SO angry about how sh*tty I feel. I want my life back. I want control back......I want ME back.

:( Very sad today.