Starting over....again.

I hate starting over. Back to the beginning. Square one. The finish line, miles away.....and you can't even see it this time. Last time you were there it was so brief that you blinked and you were already journeying back to the beginning. I'm talking about the rollercoaster of losing and then gaining weight, over and over and over again.

I have done it at least once a year for the last 5 years and its never fun realizing the scale is staring back at you with those horrific numbers you thought you'd left behind. You feel hopeless again and its frustrating to think you have to do it all over again.

I want to know why I bust my ass only to gain it back. What is going on that I keep doing this to myself? Do I hate myself? Do I only see myself as having a dartboard ass and a bloated belly that makes jean wearing difficult? Can I not stand the attention when I have a rockstar body? Am I just destined to be a wallflower of sorts by keeping myself heavier and then I don't have to participate in life?

I'm not obese. Most doctors would consider me 'healthy' by their standards. But do I feel good in my skin? Do I wonder if they make a bra for the boobs on my back? Do I enjoy the chub rub I get under my arms and inner thighs? Am I fat? No. I am a little over 5'6" and I weigh roughly 150 right now. I feel better at 130, but its been a while since that number and I have been friends.

The funny thing is that I am 41 and the message I get over and over is "Over 40, its really hard to lose weight!" B*llsh*t, I say. I've done it before and I can do it again. What's tripping me up is keeping it off.

I found an amazing coach 5 years ago who taught me how to eat healthy and I even started competing in fitness competitions. Granted I don't do all the fancy one armed push ups but putting me on stage in a bikini with bright lights and lots of people staring was always a daunting idea. Each time I trained for a show my body looked better, but I can't keep it off. Most of it is because I am a certified sugar addict. (yes, I got certified. Wanna see it?) I seriously have a bad relationship with the stuff and I can tell you where every grain or crumb of sugar is in my house. (right now there is only a box of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer) If I get in a bad way, I figure out how to coax a neighbor or friend into giving up sugar to me. When I am in that state I can't be trusted and will do whatever it takes to get it.

The really bad part is that I will eat it till I pass out or puke. It ain't pretty and it has to stop.

Recently I had some very severe reactions to it and I went to the doctor a few days ago to get blood work done to see if I have hypoglycemia. As much as I don't want it, it would explain a lot and maybe get me to clean up the toxic dump that my body becomes once I venture down Sugar Avenue.

I started this blog to talk about that journey and also to track how I'm feeling from day to day and hopefully I can get some answers as to why I implode after I have created such a masterpiece.

Am I just a sugarwhore that can't be stopped? Or can I be a recovering sugarwhore who has a history but that maybe someone would still be willing to love......even if I beg and plead at them to just run to the store, pick up a box of donuts, some Ben and Jerrys, a pie, some Little Debbies and bunch of apple fritters!

Is it possible?

Maybe.

Just keep the damn Girl Scouts away from me.